We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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