Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Why can't burritos get me drunk
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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