Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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