I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
