im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
