her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
