yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
