2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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