Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
