I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
