I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
