i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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