smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
