I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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