take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
