Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
