Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
