I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
