you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
