So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
