My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
