If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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