We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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