I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
