i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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