This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
