ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
