Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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