at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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