After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
