So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
