he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
