I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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