You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
