he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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