Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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