How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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