Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
