nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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