Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
