My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you had me at cake vodka
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
