fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
