The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
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we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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