I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
