i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
