soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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