If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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