just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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