If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
