I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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