Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
