if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
