I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
