It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
