i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
operation have a gay friend backfired
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
