ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
